The Last Night of 2007 in the Stitt Library

I have worked here in the library for less than a year now. It has been an interesting time. The Mondays with RTQ and the Wednesdays with MF Dees have provided some fond memories. Y’all have read about some of them on this very blog.

This being the last night of the year of our Lord of 2007 MF Dees and I thought it was apropos to celebrate the evening with some sort of milestone or marker if you please. We decided to not check out any books this evening. In an Ebenezer like move we locked down the shelves of ye olde Stitt and fashioned a sign proclaiming that the library was no longer able to lend its contents due to an accounting error by one Bob Cratchet.

Giggles ensued. Some snickered and jeered. But dear friends it was Dees and I that leered! We went on our way so merry and gay. Scribbling and writing the papers that were due. People passed and went on their way. But not one book was checked out thus this day.

The juniors dared not step foot in the night toward the library as it stood o’ so bright. A few middlers were there with exhaust. Seeking confidence that all was not lost. The seniors present were only but two, Dees and I present would have to make do.

Wishing for a fireplace in this space, we lamented the fact that we were cold. Out of no where like a fierce crashing bear. Someone was standing with book in hand seeking to liberate it from this land.

Dees and I looked at each other with a puzzled and perplexed look. We gazed at the sign which was made with great care, to ensure it that it was indeed still there. Back to the fellow with the book.

Have you read the sign was our general reply. Which was meet with a blank stare. I need this book for a paper that is due, will you please not make haste. For I have not a second to waste.

Did he not see the sign that is there, placed with gentle tender care. The library is not here to lend any of its stuff this night. Please take your hand away, I asked with delight.

You may beg or plead I will not be swayed. Not one book shall leave here under my eyes. He steamed and stammered and started to speak. Then there it was fleeting his breath it did reek. I stood up from the stool I was sitting in. I leaned over and pointed you freak!

He backed away and clinched his fist. I offered my chin so he would not miss. With all might and glory he did unleash, his hand sent flying in hyperspace. I blocked it with the same book he tried to liberate…

I startled myself as I woke up. With drool on the desk and red of my cheek. I laughed at myself for what I had dreamed. A battle royal that happens in the Stitt. That is not possible after that last time the robots attacked RTQ and I.

I was dreaming and stuff. It was not real. I thought to myself. Man I need to go home and watch Farrell’s Elf.

But seriously folks we don’t want to check out the books. So do us a favor tonight and stay away from here. Perhaps we’ll close early and go get a beer.

Just another Magic Wednesday night in biblioteca

It is pretty much dead around here. Say for the occasional straggler that photocopies a little of this or that we are alone. MF Dees and I are alone. Utterly. Alone.

I am starring at a poinsettia plant and seven green potted plants of various shapes and sizes. I have checked out three books and a movie. The movie being Little Women in VHS form. I will not say to whom this disaster was lent to, but it may or may not rhyme with Keredith Memp. I am just saying.

There is a Christmas tree in the reference room with a few shine balls of various colors hanging from its branches. I am almost finished with my senior sermon. I must say that I am pleased that I have invested a considerable amount of time on this endeavor. I sort of like what is coming of the exegetical work and preparation that seethes from the pages. I pray I may be a blessing on Friday. I just do not want to hurt anyone.

There is a display case in the biblioteca that asks the question, “What will you give birth to this Christmas?”

So I ask you this question. What will you give birth to this Christmas?


I just heard a noise upstairs. Was it a specter? I went over to investigate. I timidly approach. I call out, “Hello? Is anyone there?” I become fearful. I meekly move on toward the suspect noise. MF Dees has my back. I climb the stairs and call out again. MF Dees is up on the planter looking around.

“yes’ in a shallow voice. Is that someone I call out?

“Yes I am here.”

Thank God you are real and not a specter!

Just another night in the biblioteca.

I hate the strange nighttime noises that bump around here at night as we shut down. Man I am a chicken shit.

Just another night in el biblioteca…

It is 5:45 pm
RTQ and I are board. So what do we do? We call up some friends and decide to have a Texas style luau in the reference room.

6:10 pm
We make a fire in the old chimney in there and get the coals going real good. We prepare the side of beef to roast. We prepare sausages from Elgin, Brisket from Leander, ribs from LLano and Luling. We got potato salad from Yokam, ice cream from Brennem, and even corn from somewhere in Oklahoma.

6:35 pm
Folks began to gather at the circulation desk for festivities to begin. RTQ stands on the desk and offers up a roaring speech. The masses get hungrier and more determined to celebrate with glorious passion. Rainbow Peppermint hollers into the air, “Lick yer chops, it is going get ugly up in here!” It was received with laughter and a massive “Whoop!”

7:10 pm
The fire is roaring and the libation is in full effect. We dance the meats upon the flames and do the twist as our singed forearms seek shelter from the holy heat. The smells of roasting meats fill the air with merriment and adulation surrounding us the celebration went on. The tables and chairs were filled with revelry and revelers all making sure that joy was felt in these days so broken with stress and longing for rest. Prayers of joy and thanksgiving where sent up. Poems of Gods goodness were read. Songs were sung in praise all for this roasts merriment days, as they were here, they are upon us.

The chants of “rest, rest, my good and faithful servant”, rang up from the crowd. Smiles and glee fashion us a people of joy and pure gratitude. Someone called one professor, then another, and then more. All were invited to Stitt to be joyful and praise God.

7:30 pm
There are now 150 people in the library filled with joy, liberty, spirits, and soon meat. I see Deans not of the James variety. There are student from UT and surrounding kingdoms. I see man, woman, and children all thankful and warm. There are residents and non residents, along with those in between. There is joy as far as the eye can see.

7:47 pm
The police show up…RTQ has worked some magic! The fuzz stay and join in the fun. They are totally McLovin it up! The roasted meat in waifing all over the biblioteca. I am loving this night. I am told that Damien Rice is in town and that we should call him up. I call bullshite and someone makes a call that I assume is bullshite.

8:30 pm
I am fully engaged in the festivities when a meek little Irishman comes to the circulation desk and I ask him to sign in and show ID. It turns out to be Damien Freaking Rice! I called bullshite and it was true. See what happened when you assume! I angle to receive Freddy Kitchens blunt force trauma to the south side of me. OUCH! Mr. Rice is announced and preforms an acoustic set as we all delight in his melody and passion. He swoons even the most hearty of lads.

He plays for the rest of the evening. He did an amazing duet with Foscoe of “Redemption Song.” There was a beautiful rendition of “Come thou Font” and “Hey Jude.” It was splendid!!! I am the luckiest boy in the world.

I sure am glad I came to Austin Seminary rather than Princeton, McCormick, or Columbia. When did y’all get to see Damien Rice preform in the biblioteca and eat such tasty meats?

10:00 pm
RTQ and I close the biblioteca after cleaning up. We depart and thank God again for the wonderful evening.

Another night in biblioteca

Tonight I am working on my paper on postmodern understanding of a call to ministry. It is been a wonderfully fulfilling experience to research this topic. I have loved reading the stories of all the contributers. Anywho, RTQ keeps trying to get my attention.

First he blows spitballs in my general direction.

Then he makes that noise from Dumb and Dumber.

Lastly he jumped on my back and demanded my attention. He tried to get me in a choke hold and then into a guillotine choke. I began to lose air and almost fell to the ground. I flipped RTQ to the ground.

I call out my magic words…cloak me in righteousness oh, Lord!

Suddenly I am clothed in my mecha battle suit. I charge at RTQ an lay a barrage of rockets. RTQ rolls away and pops up also clothed in a battle suit.

He fires a laser that takes out the circulation desk I have been hiding behind. He then flies up and fires round after round of small arms fire at me. I burrow underneath the title floor and pop up in the second floor and charge at RTQ with my vibrosaber and cut through the copier. RTQ bolts to the door. I cut him down with a flying fist of shame. RTQ bloodied and hurting lies in a pool of blood.

I claim victory and return to the smoldering desk and type this little ditty…BOOM!!!

RTQ just fired a thermo seeking TEVA bomb. It is on its way towards me…

I am sorry for destroying the Stitt. No need to come into work tomorrow. For MechaRTQ and Robo McVulgar have laid waste to the biblioteca…

One night in biblioteca

RTQ learned how to make a widget. I think it is a widget to read the unsuspecting minds of those ever threatening Sasquatch hunters that roam the night air of Austin. I thank God for men like RTQ that wrestle the things that go bump in the night.

Rainbow Peppermint (a new addition to this sage in the biblioteca) came in and photocopied a bunch of stuff in Greek, Latin, and/or Sanskrit. I think she is writing a dissertation on the things people make up when they do not understand a language. She tried to talk to us about the high price of sour milk in southeast Asia and the effects it may or may not have (this opinion wildly differs according to ones political persuasion) upon the southern Ural mountains. I personally think she has had a bit too much wine.

I shared this opinion with her and she laid into me like a sailor. It was one profane description after another. She expelled vulgarity like she was a waist gunner mowing down folks in one of those war movies. I sat there shocked and dismayed. I could do no more. I put up my thumb and bit it. She went crazy!


I returned her volley with, “YES! I bite my thumb. Sir”


“Yes, I bite my thumb, but at thee?” I offer.

“DO YOU BITE YOUR THUMB AT ME SIR?!? ” She exclaimed in a raucous voice that was filled with every bit of heaven and hell. A voice so loud God arrived to quite the disturbance in the biblioteca.

“Lo, my thumb is bite but at thee?” I deliver a peace offering…

With the sailor exhausted from sailing the vulgar ocean of plenty she returned to the foreign study of language of yore.

RTQ I noticed crawled from out of the desk. He really climbed out of the desk drawer, from whence he was hiding during the vulgar barrage from Sailor Peppermint. He excused himself and went to the kitchen to microwave a corny dog. I asked him to microwave me a burrito. One so hot that God could not carry it. His reply was, “Then how am I supposed to bring it to you out of Christian love? If God can not carry it then certainly I, a humble book servant am not worth or equipped to handle such a task.”

Then a voice from heaven spoke up and said, “RTQ I have chosen you to microwave that burrito and it is I your Lord God that brought you out of Oklahoma that shall provide you the strength and thermal prowess to lift that burrito.

So RTQ did microwave that burrito and bring it to me. I pray for the strength and fortitude to eat that burrito…thanks be to God. The burrito has been vanquished.

Even Rainbow Peppermint rejoiced in this.

See you next week or Wednesday here at the biblioteca.

*all names have been changed to protect the innocent. If there are an coincidences of any living people then seriously I have not worked hard enough to protect those people and they should be chained to a tire for the remainder of their life.