Glutinous for your love.

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I don’t always think things through. That’s to say I’m highly emotional and impulsive. That would make me one hell of a river boat gambler if I were in to that sort of thing.

I’m not the gambling type. I am a risk taker. I would like to think I am a measured risk taker that holds conservative values. Perhaps that makes me not much of a risk taker at all.

I do like a sure thing. I’m a child of a messy early 80’s divorce. It’s the stuff sitcoms are made of. Only in my case I lack the quirky sidekick & am heavy on the survivor story.

I’m in my 5th day of my self imposed sabbatical from Facebook and Twitter. I’ve noticed a few things about my life without these avenues of interaction. One, I’m less informed. I miss the information, news, and articles I had access to and awareness of via my network of friends. Two, I have found myself wanting to share voice and encounter with this same network and quietly owning these moments for myself. Three, watching football or anything for that matter has become boring.

I’m not sure what will come of this sabbatical. Thus one is rooted in a different emotional stasis than any before. I’ve dropped out previously for a while due to unflinching jealousy or unhealthy relations in social media. I may not be a gambler but I am most assuredly an addict.

It’s this addictive personality that has guided me from alcohol to drugs to food to religion and on in to the horrible self-hate I am most familiar with. This sabbatical is rooted in a desire for self-love and the need for roots. The need for roots is something I’ve needed for the last 10 years but have not had the words to explain or understand.

For the last 10 years I’ve been I. A journey to transform, to realize, or to awaken the fullness of my being. Metro would call this a journey towards the real self. The real self being the me fully realized and ready to be who and what the divine hath prepared me to be.

My addiction has wained to reveal enough of this real self that I am in need of a tether that I may explore this world and be light in darkness. I am in need or roots. Roots that bind me locally to community. A community to which I belong. I have been a part of such a community. This community is indeed real and has shaped me over the last 4 years

That community is hedged in and with my social media connections. This community comprised of friends of old that knew the high school me. Friends the strove alongside me as we explored ministry and what our roles might be. Friends that helped nurture and affirm the flickering light of ministry that I fought to receive. Friends from afar that hold kindred spirits of mischief and cheer that admire my art and acknowledge the whit, astute political acumen, and charm I dispense. Friends from across the globe, political sphere, and ethnicity that challenge and maintain who and what I am.

Real friends. Real relationships. Real community.

Only, I’m not happy, nor fulfilled. I’m laden with friends. I’m lacking roots. I am ready to grow, hungry for roots. Roots to grab depth and connection in ways that allow this potential growth to arrive.

It is in this need that I walk away from Twitter and Facebook. I’m unsure of who I am and where I begin in the face of social media. I have reconciled and healed along with the shifting and awakening of social media. I liken my relationship with social media to that of Todd and Cooper from The Fox and The Hound. We are two natural enemies that found love in each other that will one lead us to break nature or be bound by it.

I do miss those folks that fashion the community of friends. I hope that we will connect in person very soon.

8 thoughts on “Glutinous for your love.

  1. Heather McCance says:

    We miss you out there. But are supporting you in prayer as this journey continues… may your roots grow every deeper and stronger, and may your continue also to have wings.

  2. Good for you for identifying what you need, and walking that path. You are missed, that is for sure. You are missed and you are loved. But your happiness & fulfillment are much more important than my enjoyment of your online company.
    Blessings, friend.

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