120 Days Left

I am still scared to eat. I feel if I eat the wrong thing I will explode and awake in the hospital or knocking on the pearly gates. This is a dreadful way to live. I must find peace in this.  I spoke to my nutritionist and she is confident that I can manage this thing with diet and exercise.  I am getting more confident.  I pray that as the fear subsides that I do not lax my desire to walk this path and fall back to the road that got me here.

I ran again this AM and fell this is key to managing my diabetes.  I do not like claiming that I have diabetes.  I can barley write the word without intentionally moving my fingers to type it.  I prefer “thing” or drop the direct article to create distance between me and this disease. I know I am not the first person with diabetes.  I am the first me to have diabetes and this scares me.  I now have preexisting conditions and I started to worry about my future and the need for heath insurance.  The fight for universal coverage just got terribly personal for me.

I do find comfort in having named this disease that is hurting my body.  As I learn more about it I connect the warning signs and symptoms that I have noticed in the past few years.  I am comforted that I am not broken or crazy.  I have diabetes.  I am not diabetes. I am not a diabetic. I am a runner, preacher, husband, son, uncle, friend, advocate, peace maker, artist, speaker, author, bad dancer, retired beer chug champ, wanna-be musician, spiritual director, former carny, liberal, Christian, interfaith lover, admirer of beauty, imperfect creation that was fearfully and wonderfully made feller that has diabetes. Diabetes is a part of me that will shine and fade. I will not allow this disease to define me.

4 thoughts on “120 Days Left

  1. Melanie Lange says:

    Thank you for sharing this part of your story. We are all wonderfully made, and we are made perfect in God’s grace and love for us, even though we are not and can not ever be perfect. And we are not defined by anything other than God’s grace and love as God’s children. Praying for peace in your heart and strength for your journey.

  2. I too cringe at “ic” language. You’re right. You have diabetes. You’re not a diabet-ic. That’s just not who you are. It will be a part of your life, and my hope and prayer is that you’ll be able to manage it well. You definitely seem very determined, which is inspiring to me – and I imagine everyone who is reading this. Keep it up!


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