Loser?

“You can’t do it.”

“You’re no good!”

“You suck!”

These are just a few of the things going on in my mind right now.  Sixteen weeks ago I began with an amazing hope.  I got all jacked up on others hopes for me and that salvaged hope that lies within me.  I was an athlete once upon a time.  I was a really good athlete.  I dominated some and competed with others but I was athletic and sure.

As I aged and life took over I lost parts of my self and the athlet was one of the first things to go.  For years I struggled to embrace the athlet within.  I have trained for many things in the past.  I have trained and completed a few 5K & 10K’s.  Then every four years I get ecited again and that athlet I watch on TV awakens the athlet within.  That guy that I once knew.  That guy that answered competition with steeley resolve and would not back down.

WTF?! I am not one to back down in other arenas.  I fight for the underdog.  I will fight for those oppressed.  I will fight injustice.  I will stall and fight.

I have trained a lot for this race.  I set up a hash tag for others to join in the training I was experiencing and support each other.  I have reached out to local agancies to incorporate spirituality & physical exercise as a discipline for the whole self.  I busted my cuss to prepare for today.

Then a little over three weeks ago on my trip to Los Angeles I got a sinus infection.  It kicked my cuss.  It took from me the ability to train.  I went from 35-45 miles a week to ZERO.  It took my long runs from 11 miles to ZERO.  For three weeks I got caught up in work and life.  I feel behind in everything.  It seemed as if the past 16 weeks of awesome we for not.

Then this past Monday I got back to the gym and was able to run 7 miles no problem.  Then on Tuesday I did 9 miles.  I was bqck on track!  I was running at a slower pace but I still was in shape to complete the race.  I was excited and nervous.

That silent voice awakened and taunted me with failure.  I fought that mental battle that we all have fought against the most nefarious of evil, myself.  I got encouragement again from my community.  Friends and family alike cheered me on and filled my mind with completion and victory.

Last night Mere & I decided that we did not want to run the race in the rain.  We went round with this decicion.  We were worried that we were giving up and that the “quitter” in both of us was moving the pile.  We checked weather reports and I stayed up a little too late making sure that the AM would be good.

My alarm went off at 5:00 AM but I had been up since 4:00 AM this morning.  I was fighting that fight of self-doubt and failure.  I saw that a storm was moving in on the satellite maps.  We had an 80% chance of rain for the day.  The storm moving in even came with a severe weather warning.  I was worried about the rain.

We debated as we got ready.  Finally at 5:36 AM we decided that we were not going to race that race.  We departed each other tired, rejected, embarrassed, afraid…  I stayed in front of the TV watching the weather channel in my runners bib pinned to my chest.  Number “14313” was not going to see the course today.  Then I got worried upon checking my tweets. It was filled with encouragements from friends about the race.  The shame I was feeling grew beyond measure.  I am a cussing sham!  I stayed up until 7:00 AM and passed out from shame and worry.  I slept to erase the negative emotions I was feeling.  I slept to forget the race I was to miss.  I slept to hide from the world.

I woke up at 9:00AM and found Mere on the sofa with a cup of joe with the weight of the world upon her face.  We looked at each other and lower our heads in shame.  I wanted this shameful feeling to disappear.  I am a loser.  I made my partner a loser too.  We talked about the race.  We were solid about the decision not to run in the predicted thunder storms and the actual rain showers.  It was not something we were going to do.

We both were ashamed.  We both were afraid that we let out friends down.

I thought, “We could tell everyone we just did not finish!”

or “we could tell everyone…”

The slippery slope appeared. We could lie to cover our shame.  Knowing that this is how evil enters life we decided to reveal our shame and come clean.

I am terrible disapointed right now and very embarrassed to share this.  I want to share it cause I do not want to allow for the evil of shame & guilt enter our life.  We trained hard for this race and in hindsight we chose the safe route and did not run the race.  I post this an hour ahead our expected completion with a heavy heart.

I am taking a stand for myself and fighting the shame that fills my mind and the embarrassment that fills my heart.  I want to open my heart to the healing grace of my community.  I want to be vulnerable to the Spirit moving me towards healthy ways to live.  I am choosing to fight the injustice, oppression, and fear of my self that has ruled my self for years.  I am an athlete and I will run this race.  I won’t be running today.  I am not done running cause I am in this for the long haul.

4 thoughts on “Loser?

  1. ekmek says:

    Hi there, Ryan,
    Thanks for sharing this.
    Good that you put it out there, and I have no doubth that just sharing what’s on your heart will be healing in the grace of community. Peace to you and to Meredith. And hi from Rock!

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