I have been working on a few books for the last 4-5 years. I always get lost in my busy and do not finish them. On of the books has sort of changed. It has become a spiritual journey tale called “WTFWJD?” I am offering you a look at a bit of the introduction from the book. I hope to have the book finished by the end of the year. D.V.
One of the strangest things I have become aware of these last few months is that I have become old[er]. It does not seem so long ago that I was in high school trying to grow up. I longed for the days I am living today. Today I long for the days I once lived.
There was this song that came out around the time of Baz Luhrmann’s “Romeo & Juliet” called “Everybody’s Free (To Wear Sunscreen).” I was deeply taken by this song. Its words penetrated the 20-something heart of mine and brought me to places I had never dreamed I could go. There was a time when I could listen to the words, “Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked” without understanding. I longed for the days that I would understand the beauty & power of my youth that I existed in.
I hoped and prayed that one day I would understand WTF was going on around me. Until then I faked it like everyone else. Now that I am recalling the power of my youth from fading pictures that seem odd and peculiarly near I mourn what may have been as I celebrate what is and what has become.
I remember listening to the words to this song and wanting it all to be true. Wanting terribly to be wise and have less anxiety/uncertainty about my future. I teetered between confidence and obscurity all the while hoping for a glimmer of compassion and intimacy. Taking care to not be reckless with others hearts as I guarded mine from those that might be reckless with mine. I succeeded in some ways and failed miserably at this with others. I was an emotional, longing mess.
I would watch TBN holed up in my room, reading the Bible. I would only pause to roll a few cigarettes and maybe eat a bit. I most definitely drank a few beers. I hurt like hell!
I took to listening to Jessie Duplantis and Rod Parsley. I demanded that I be loss in the name of Jesus as I watched Jakes liberate the lives of others. I hungered for that miracle that Benny offered. I watched Pat and hoped that he would offer me solace in a religious sort of Romper Room way and call out my name, my affliction, my something…
I longed for connections in those days. The connections that I had gained as a follower of Christ in the Vineyard movement had faded away with painful break up. I was going batshit crazy waiting for that anointing that I kept hearing about.
I hung on every word that seemed to have something that I did not. I desperately wanted off the roller coaster I was on. I found and lost Jesus so many times that I lost count. I did manage to be baptized three times and was stopped on the fourth by a wise old pastor that told me, “Son you need to get serious about Jesus! Not baptized again.” I freebased Trinity Broadcast Network [TBN] in hopes that I would glean some tidbit of peace in my crestfallen world. I hurt. I mourn. I never seemed to have joy. God forbids that joy pokes it ugly little head, I did not deserve that bit. This is the turbulent waters to which I discovered faith.