Fireproof

There is a new film out the stars Kirk Cameron.  I loved him in Growing Pains!  It is a flick about the importance of marriage.  Specifically it is a flick about the importance of Christ being the center of ones marriage.  This flick is a ministry of a Baptist Church in Georgia.  I went over to their site and checked it out.

There is not one single female leader on staff nor is there a minority pastor.  There are 14 male “pastors” in a variety of forms ranging from Senior Pastor to Associate Pastors.  Each pastor has a female assistant.  There are two women on staff as directors of the finances and children’s daycare.  They show an Africa-America woman with here children on the face of the site…yet there are no women or minorities in leadership.

Hmmmmmmm.  I wonder why I should join this church.  I heard the Lord speaking to me as I read these reasons.  I have included a paraphrase in bold with the reasons.

Warning the following is satire.

Here are the…

TOP 10 REASONS TO CHOOSE **********
10. LOVING FAMILY-FRIENDLY ENVIRONMENTS:
* A multi-generational body [but only white men get to be leaders] * A multi-racial acceptance [again you can come here and get your picture taken but you cannot be a leader here]
* Safe and loving children’s ministries [operated by women that will no longer be sufficient to lead when your male children reach age] * Dynamic student ministries
* FAITH Sunday school, small group Bible studies and care groups
9.  OPPORTUNITIES FOR SPIRITUAL GROWTH AND SERVICE:
* Prayer ministry, Faith Sunday School * Greeter, Wee Care, Security, Choir and Orchestra
* Discipleship opportunities  * S.O.S., Alpha Center, Media Ministries [at anytime you feel the urge to question the solid Biblical teachings of any one in leadership you will receive the BAN!!! There is no room for rationality, free-thinking, nor individual creativity…we will tell you what to think]
8.  EXCELLENCE IN PROGRAMMING AND PRODUCTION:
* Media ministry: nationally awarded videos, TV and movie production
* Music ministry: choir, praise team, ‘519’, ‘Our Great Savior’, ‘Fall Like Rain’
* Facilities and events [we will dazzle you so you do not question us.  We will offer you misdirection, similat to what magicians use as they invoke parlor tricks to suspend thought.]
7.  SERVICE IN COMMUNITY:
* S.O.S. – meeting practical needs
* The Dreyline – ministering to the poor and unemployed
* The Alpha Center – free assistance to women and unwed mothers
* Divorce Recovery – helping the divorced begin again
* ****** Christian Academy Daycare
* N.O.B.T.S. – training pastors and laity in the region
* Home Connection – ministering to the homebound [What no minister to heal the Gays?  We want you to look like us, act like us, and serve us without thought and individuality.  God is not cool with that stuff!]
6.  A UNITED STAFF TEAM:
* Jesus  as  CEO   * Pastor led; staff supported church
* Staff accountability and training * Strong core value of teamwork [That is right!  Jesus is my homeboy! He happens to be a Jewish carpenter but he accepted Christ and is now saved and believes in the inerrant stance of the Word of God, the He-God , not weak ass She-God]
5.  INSPIRING MUSIC AND WORSHIP SERVICES:
* Christ-centered   * Biblical expressions of worship
* Covered in prayer   * Embracing multiple generations [We got Jesus up in here, all up in the middle.  Not like those other cats!  Jesus is badder, better, and in full effect here at Sherwood!]
4.  A WORLD WIDE VISION:
* We can change the world from Albany, Georgia. [This message is supported by the McCain/Palin ticket.  Obama cannot touch this kind of change!]
3.  STRONG BIBLICAL PREACHING with DOCTRINAL INTEGRITY:
* Truth without apology  * Strong theology
* Expository preaching   * Unashamed  teaching  of  the  Gospel  of  Jesus  Christ [There is no room for ashamed preaching that apologizes for the badass Jesus with his ninja like theology that exposes that bleeding hearts of those liberal whatnot’s!  We give you TRUTH with no fillers.  We give you theology that kicks the ass of the other guy.  We give you preaching the exposes stuff, not just any stuff.  The kind of stuff that makes you wish you have stuff and that you did not do other stuff.  Yep, that is the stuff.]
2.  ACTIVE  INTERCESSORY  PRAYER MINISTRY:
* Prayer Tower    * Weekly prayer meeting
* Pastor’s Prayer Partners  * Spurgeon’s Closet [We are building a tower of prayer all up in here!  Hey Spurgeon is in the closet?  That may change a few points above…WE HAVE A PRAYER TOWER!  PRAYER!!! Yup, prayer.]
1.  THE PRESENCE AND BLESSING OF THE LORD:
* Answered prayer   * Salvations and baptisms
* Loving, unified body of believers * Changed lives [God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit live here!  They need not share a room like in some other lesser places.  We got them there own rooms.  We love you if you adhere to our standards and conform to our community…BAN! You are no longer baptized!  You are no longer saved!  Your prayers will never be answered.  In fact God will make you suffer at our whim.  Do not F@(k with us.  BTW we change lives.]

I am thankful that the Ken-dom of God is big enough for all of us. Thanks be to God for all the flavors of the rainbow!

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