A MF volcano for God! Is what I am.

I have been thinking lately about my call. Two months ago I had a different understanding, better yet a different perspective on my call to ministry. I read a lot of books on call a few months ago. Most of the books offered a similar line. Most did not interest me more than a surface hello. The most alarming difference between my life and my call to those I have read about was that most skipped its way into existence absent of passion and s knock down, drag out fistfight in the call stories. I read these books and put them down and began to wonder…”Did I get a call?” Sure I can sympathize and intellectualize the responses and stories of those folks and their relationship with God.
They do not resonate with me. Where is the fight? I throw down with God and still fight. I believe I am called to serve as I believe that all of creation is called to serve its Creator. I am not sure that a neat little presentation providing even a semblance of order helps me in any way.
I want the story of the person that woke up in a shit infested motel room still tied off from last nights blow. I want to read that I am not abnormal. I hear a lot about folks that grew up in the Christian tradition. I love the stories and relate to them of those of us that are knee deep in rebellious doubt of any truth.
This was my first reaction. I then meditated on what I had been reading. I began to think about my call specifically. What does it feel like, look like. How do/did I engage it? What has recognizing my call done to my life? WTF can I do to answer my call. This answer is a great deal different today than it would have been two months, three months, or a year ago.
I do not remember any specific moment where I got this clarity and fireworks went off over head. God never said, “Wake up jackass! You are called to serve me. For I am the Lord your God that brought you out of the darkness and into the light.” I never fought my spiritually atheist parents for my faith. I can never remember a time I did not urn to be near the divine. I ache to be close to God. God is my high.
It is something that has been a consistent for me. I have tried to fill it with many things. I have tried to numb it and buy in to the hedonistic cultural game. Many times buying in and having the ache cash me out.
I can say that when I trusted in the divine tugging at my gut my entire life was changed. The very direction of my soul moved towards a deeper and more personal level. I no longer looked to a legalistic interpretation of bargaining and begging. I trusted and my faith grew. It was in this movement that I was able to love, trust, and serve. It was then I could recognize my call and to where I was to follow the Lord.
I agree with the voice of many that God is in the midst of us. I still read the good book with trepidation and a cheesy sense of wonder. I listen to other call stories with a less critical ear. I am getting better at just being and living in a community where others just are as well. I enjoy sharing my faith journey with others. I would like to write it down one day. Perhaps it would not make it in to the Christian section of Borders Books.
This has been my greatest challenge in understanding my call. I have perceived a “call” to be neat and organized. I read about calls and witness this perspective. I am not neat, organized, willing, or ever faithful. I am a broken, messy, battered, hurting, and prideful man that does not understand why he needs God so much. I just know that there is nothing else I can do in this life that fills this hungry void. It is my selfish desire to fill this void with the divine that drives me to answer the call on my life.
This is why I sit here now struggling to be. I am an overeducated, impatient, overweight, judgmental, humility seeking, lover of Jesus and seeker of truth, and may also be an ecclesial volcano. I have little to no patience. Funny thing is that when I first “got saved” patience was the first thing I prayed for. Dumbass I am. If I could go back in time I would have told that 20 something zealot to chill and defiantly not pray for patience. God does not give us shit. God blesses us in action. We live and grow in everything that we encounter.
God give me the courage to be. Grant me peace and vision to see your will. Bless my heart with peace and the strength to hold on. I hunger to be near you and hope that one day I may be used to as a vessel of your wisdom to someone else that likes a dust up with God.

2 thoughts on “A MF volcano for God! Is what I am.

  1. “God does not give us shit.”

    I like this. My take on things is that Christians spend too much time uttering pleasant platitudes and not enough engaging the realities of our world.

  2. Yes. I got this “Christian nation” email from someone this morning. Where it say to bad we are no longer a Christian nation…with all of those Muslims and atheists and stuff. I wrote back and asked them if we were ever a Christian nation?

    It is like many Christians practice f’ing magic and have ceased being the workers of God.

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