I have no job. I have no sure way to finance graduate school. I have just left home for the last three years and all my friends. I have married the woman of my dreams. I am in a city that is foreign to me in so many ways.
I am desperate to work, to have something that offers challenge and makes me productive, a productive member of society.
This is my growing edge. I am deeply convicted to live in a way that proclaims the new reality present in Jesus the Christ. The new reality that defaces the ideology of consumer and producer that this nation is built upon. Yet here I am demanding a way to be productive. A way to be present in this system. A way to be counted.
It is in this skewed perspective, this depraved witness that I wrestle in today. I am learning that in my desire to be counted and matter I am learning what it is to be marginalized, to be a commodity of the system.
Why can I not live in to the moment God has delivered me to. My wife has a job that if needed can support our household. I just cannot let myself be. I do not have the courage to be here right now…
I am learning the faith that I thought I had is not as strong or deep as I imagined or hoped for. After three years of theological training I am still not the man God calls me to be.
I fear my neighbors [I am unsure if it is fear based in racism or ignorance or both] and suspect all actions. This place I am in is unlike anything I have ever seen. It has the familiar taste of humanity and relevancy of safety that any other neighborhood may offer. It is overwhelming to really imagine myself here, living. I feel as if we are on an extended vacation or sorts.
I lack so much. I know it is only day four in this city. I am sure it is not the city nor its citizens that are the root of my discontent. Rather I see God stretching and molding me into the man I am called to be.
The hardest part of relationship is the moments where hurt is delivered to both parties. Joy is easy to share. Sorrow can cloud even the brightest of lights. Thus my anxiety of these days covers the beauty of these moments. I urn for a breath that is not so heavy.
I hope that God will provide me that which I need. I have faith. I understand this to be true. I need help with my unbelief, my doubt, my fears. God grant me strength, courage, and a faith that lives to be the child you called me to be. Introduce us to friends and a community that loves us and offers us grace as we trod along this loving rocky road to you. Temper my fears with purpose and employment as I seek to answer the call on my life. Let me not flee you presence. May I run to your arms and rest upon your bosom.
In your mercy hear my prayers.