I am exhausted. I have been very productive in the days since my return from Indonesia. I have followed up with all of my graduate school applications. I have balanced my check book and researched some questionable charges on my account. I have applied to ACC and have begun to secure classes. I have begun to clean up my credit report and began researching ways to consolidate the undergrad and graduate loans. I have begun my candidate paperwork. I am getting marital counseling. I am getting a Texas DL.
Mere has helped with these things as well. I am freaking tired.
Today I have hit a wall. I am terrified about getting married. I am not sure I can be the man Mere deserves. I have a degree that I will not be able to use in its entirety until sometime in the summer of 2009.
I want to flee. I have never been this fearful of responsibility. Does anyone real enter marriage without fear and trepidation? Man I am pissing my pants.
There are so many factors to take into consideration for the future. Today I feel like the south end of a value meal from McDonald’s. I do not feel adequate or able to be the man Mere deserves.
I do not even feel worthy to be a spiritual mentor of anyone let alone myself.
God help me. Please start with a large sack of tax free hundred dollar bills and a 30 hour day. This is my plea for help Lord. I cannot do this. I need wisdom, faith, courage, and strength that I do not currently possess. Grant me something…your provision. I am fucking spent. You know my mess. You know my needs. You know more than I do. Please let me in no some of it. I am that cat hanging in there.
Be to me what I cannot be to myself. Grant me others to be your courage, strength, faith, and wisdom in these moments. I am here hanging on. Let me let go into your arms.