The shit eating dog

I am exhausted. I have been very productive in the days since my return from Indonesia. I have followed up with all of my graduate school applications. I have balanced my check book and researched some questionable charges on my account. I have applied to ACC and have begun to secure classes. I have begun to clean up my credit report and began researching ways to consolidate the undergrad and graduate loans. I have begun my candidate paperwork. I am getting marital counseling. I am getting a Texas DL.

Mere has helped with these things as well. I am freaking tired.

Today I have hit a wall. I am terrified about getting married. I am not sure I can be the man Mere deserves. I have a degree that I will not be able to use in its entirety until sometime in the summer of 2009.

I want to flee. I have never been this fearful of responsibility. Does anyone real enter marriage without fear and trepidation? Man I am pissing my pants.

There are so many factors to take into consideration for the future. Today I feel like the south end of a value meal from McDonald’s. I do not feel adequate or able to be the man Mere deserves.

I do not even feel worthy to be a spiritual mentor of anyone let alone myself.

God help me. Please start with a large sack of tax free hundred dollar bills and a 30 hour day. This is my plea for help Lord. I cannot do this. I need wisdom, faith, courage, and strength that I do not currently possess. Grant me something…your provision. I am fucking spent. You know my mess. You know my needs. You know more than I do. Please let me in no some of it. I am that cat hanging in there.

Be to me what I cannot be to myself. Grant me others to be your courage, strength, faith, and wisdom in these moments. I am here hanging on. Let me let go into your arms.


6 thoughts on “The shit eating dog

  1. Amy Souza says:

    hey if he comes through with the cash…shoot some over wouldja.yeah, marriage is rough but its also awesome and rad. so, its worth it.

  2. Whitney says:

    just a thought from reading this: the fact that you want to be the guy Mere deserves makes you the guy she deserves, friend. hang in there (or fall in there?) and remember that the things that scare the shit out of us are always the things worth doing. ok, fridge magnet wisdom over now. 🙂

  3. Karen Wagner says:

    if you weren’t the guy Mere deserves, she wouldn’t have said yes. Keep asking God for strength and it will come in a myriad of ways, including Mere. Know that you are a child of God and that you are loved, (but don’t ask me why).

  4. Gareth says:

    thanks for the honesty ryan… i’m exploring a relationship and calling (all very seriously) and i have similar ‘don’t know if i can do it’ thoughts as you. Advice that a friend gave me yesterday that i’m trying to live into when it comes to decisions and commitments: “Be gentle and curious.”(oh, and i got here from adam copeland who linked to tribal church who linked to your presbymergent designs. Cheers)

  5. Neal Locke says:

    Dude. What are your plans after graduation from Seminary? If you don’t have any, we need to talk… How do you feel about Dallas?

  6. Katrina says:

    Here’s what I’ve learned about marriage in five years of it…1. You will never believe you are good enough for her if you love her that deeply. 2. You can’t beat yourself up when you don’t live up to your own expectations…or even hers.3. If you spend your marriage dwelling on the fact that she deserves better, you’ll never have the time to enjoy it.My advice…the bad stuff happens. You’ll act in ways that make you go “Man, I suck as a person.” But those moments are far fewer than the good stuff. So just chock it up to being human, and enjoy the hell out of the woman you’ve chosen to spend your life with.

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