I have got a problem

I spent the morning at the docs. I have bronchitis and sinusitis. I now have an inhaler and antibiotics. I wanted to get some uppers and a couple of lids. Alas that is not allowed in Texas.

I kid! I kid! I have not done drugs for a long time. I am sort of scared to do so now. Well now that I know I am finite and stuff.

The crazy shite I would subject myself to in my youth. I remember one occasion I had different substances in my hands and I was internally debating if the combination I was actively taking would kill me. [FYI-It did not.] I sat there with terror building. I started sweating and got very nervous and paranoid.

I started to freak out and went to my buddies. Man I am going to die! I am going to freaking die!

I all laughed at me. Two of my buddies sat there with me on the sofa. One on either side. They talked me down. They let me call my brother, Grant. I ate a bag of chips and puked on the alley wall. All in all it was a great night.

I was transported home that night and as I lay in bed praying that I would not die that night, I worried that I was wasting my life. What the hell was I doing?

I had been a Christian for almost three years at that point. I had gone in and out of church communities. I never stayed put. I liked the religious life and all. I just never fit in with the church folks like I did with my buddies.

I ended up preaching to them and answering their questions on God the best I could. It drove me deeper into my faith and why I believed what I claimed to believe. I wanted to be the guy they could talk about with about God. I sought to never judge them and always love them. I failed them, a lot. But they kept asking me.

This continues into my time here in seminary. I often find myself talking to the margins. I get involved in a spiritual conversation that ends up in a testimony to what God is and has done in my life.

I have been blessed to pray for and with folks in bars, bowling allies, coffee shops, and street corners. I have done this in various states of intoxication or impairment. Why do I bring this up? It has never be me that speaks. God has blessed me with an ignorance to stuff that lets me speak my mind and act in particular places with out embarrassment. It is a desperate act of a fool. Blessed are those that have been forgiven of much. They have much to be thankful for.

I describe my relationship with Jesus as an addict. I need Jesus, in any form I can get him. Unlike an addict I find it difficult to keep Jesus as the focus of my efforts. I stray. I forget. I fall short. I am broken.

My past has prepared me to minister to the margins that I often find myself in and I am cool with this. I love hanging out in the margins. I feel at home there. I am thankful that I no longer party like a teenager.

I now fill my life with attempts at reaching the margins that I came from. I hope to be the guy they can talk to about their faith. I pray I am a person that can walk with them as they expoler their questions on life. I do not want to have all the answers. I just want to hang out with them and be blessed by their lives.

I hope to be like the inhaler that I am currently using. Inhale 2 puffs as needed to breath. Use as recommended by your physician.

God help me breath. Help us breath. May we inhale your joy, love, and peace. Bless us with your diagnosis and instruct us on your treatment. In your name, the name that frees, Jesus Christ. Amen

One thought on “I have got a problem

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