Now that I am in seminary I can laugh at the stupid shite I did growing up. When I get together with my family it always turns to remember when Grant or Ryan were doing such and such. Another often heard line (in the vain of Froggy’s when I coached debate stories) one time when we were drinking…
When I here this I shutter to think what horrible and embarrassing story shall be told.
Needless to say(a hello to aunt Karen) I had some raucous moments in my youth. Hell I enjoyed the libations more often than I should have. What gets me is that I came to seminary with the idea that I could no longer drink a beer or behave in any fashion that could be anything less than perfect. I put a difficult amount of pressure upon my shoulders. I had to be clean, simple, and pure.
This is where I struggle with my call to ministry. Fuck it, if I am going to hell because I like the more than occasional beer than so be it. I do not like to sing anyway. So heaven with all of its singing can remain foreign to me.
I love Christ. Better yet there is something about Christ that compels me to service and inspires me to love. I am not to sure that I fully believe God exists. I am scared shitless that God hates me and that I will be punished at any moment. I am fearful that due to this existing here I shall be smote via the almighty red button in heaven.
Why do we feel the need to demand perfection from our leaders when we would fuck up just as bad as they do. In fact we have no more or less ability to be great and glimmeringly profoundly magnificent. Why do we demand perfection from our leaders? I can understand it a bit. I expect perfection from myself. I am the first one in line to point my righteous finger at the Ted’s, Pat’s, and Jimmy’s of this world and demand they step down forever tainted in distrust and falseness. I am a bastard this way. This may be the greatest factor as to why I am not called to ministry. It may be the single greatest reason why I am called.
I have heard it said that some people are called to ministry so that they may be saved. I believe this is the case for me. I am growing into the new jacket of humility that God gave me for Christmas some 2000 years ago.
Why can’t the alcoholic be a pastor. I say at least he is honest with himself. For the alcoholic certainly can be a prophet. When can we find the permission from ourselves and others to be broken like he rest of us? We cannot move on to be faith full servants in the grace of Christ absent of our utter dependency on that grace.
I will admit it here folks. I am fucked up and tarnished. I am not sure why God called me. But God did. I want it to not be true. I think it would make my life easier. I drink and can drink a bit to much. I lust. I covet. I have a jealous heart. I slander. I bear false witness. I am a fucked up person. I need Christ in a bad way. I am also starving for grace in Christ. I am an addict. I fucking love Jesus.