If I say I love Christ and do not display justice, mercy, compassion, kindness, patience, or self-sacrifice then do I love Christ?
The problem with this question, for me, is it leads me down a path to legalism and checklists. I want to love Christ. I feel as if I am an addict [I am an addict] searching for a fix. Jesus has become my fix. I am willing to sell my shit to get a fix. I hunger deeply for a fix. I live for a fix. There is one slight difference between me the addict and me the follower of Christ…an addict will always sell out the world for a fix and I fail to sell out most of the time.
As I sought sleep last night I again encountered that place where there is nothing but God and you (I). I asked God again, “What am I to do in this life?” Silence was the reply. Then I changed my tactics. I asked, “Hey you pretty and beautiful Lord of Lords, How’s about letting your old pal Ryan in on that little plan you got for me.” Silence was the reply. Then I get even more clever. I offer up, “I do not care anyway. I am just going to serve you anyway. Silly, poor, little God. You need to love me. You will be back…I am sorry. Please do not turn from me. I need you. I am scared. Am I called? Do I believe enough to be in your presence?” Silence was the reply…
I feel asleep. I awoke full of lust, quilt, and a longing to be near God. I am a messy person. My faith is present and absent. I am learning that I know far less than I thought I did. I always thought I was a middle class idiot. I am learning I am on the Forbes 500 of idiots.
I am picking up on the silence. The silence is not always silence. Rather, the silence is God’s way of molding me. I am receiving an example of how to be. I need stillness and meditation in my life. I need to calm down and “BE”.
I am very good at advice and counseling others on how to live. I am not too good with silence and stillness. I am learning. I am seeking. I am being. This is where an addict arrives on the wagon. I will always be an addict. In this is will always hunger and urn for that fix of Jesus The Christ. I will always wrestle with priorities and be consistently inconsistent. In my humanity I am broken and depraved. My humanity is the frail container for this addiction. It is the pursuit of Christ that I am transformed by moments of Holy that are the fixes. These are delivered in little dime bags of grace and grams of forgiveness. There is no falling of the wagon or chasing the dragon with Christ. There is only the open loving arms of Christ.
Thanks be to God!