Dark Night of the Soul…

I am reading an article in Time regarding Mother Teresa. It has stirried in me a comfort and affliction. I have often wondered if my prayers and pleas to the Lord have been heard. I move forward accepting in faith that I in fact am communicating with God.
This article moved me to rethink the understanding of what faith is. Does faith require a response? You know, when I pray for something and do not get it exactly as I have sought does the Lord ignore me. I have chalked this up to inappropriate prayer or a need to lessen my pride. Now this perplexes me as I move forward towards ministry. I have fought the call on my life to enter ministry. I still seek ways to sabotage myself here in seminary. I worry about my committee, my congregation, my friends, and my family. Do they see a true call on my life? I worry that if they knew the vile and wicked machine running my “righteous” ways I shall be proclaimed a charlatan. Then I am left with debt and nothing else but a shattered faith.
Is the root of faith service in hope of grace and works proclaiming the love of Christ? I must move forward. To abandon hope now would leave me with too many questions. I must trust, not due to a profound anything on my part. Say a desperate need to understand and serve God. Mother Teresa served with Godly love. In her 50 years of darkness she questioned, doubted, and pleaded. She no doubt is loved by many and admired bu many more. It is not for our accolades that we are welcomed into the Kingdom. It is for relationship. Sometimes our partner speaks to us and we only ear what we want to. Beloved Creator, help me with my unbelief. Penetrate my soul so that I may have passion, impatience, desire, and vulnerability to you. May I love you more than…
More than….?………………I pray I am not doing any of this for my pride and pleasure. I say not for my glory and in my heart I covet praise and adoration. I fear and loath the success of others. I seethe in anger that I am not like they or them. I want to pray for the gift you gave Mother Teresa, but I am afraid of what it will cost. I type this as the rich young ruler. I am ashamed and know that today I cannot give what you require. For this I understand you as silent.

please read the article.

One thought on “Dark Night of the Soul…

  1. Renee says:

    It just goes to show that saints are human. Ryan, you are called. No doubt. How great it is to know people who are so willing to wrestle.

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