Mr. T holds two U.S. patents; the latter meant to compensate for the obvious flaws of the former: fools (pronounced foo’s) and pity. Scholar’s frequently note the layers of depth in the philosophy whereby fools are generally pitied by T for the very fate T himself has in store for them.

• Hitler found out that Mr.T pitied him and shot himself.
• Every time a church bell rings in the world, Mr. T pities a foo’.
• Additionally, every time Mr. T pities a foo, a female porn star regains her virginity, then proceeds to lose it to Mr. T.
• Mr. T once pitied the Sun. An ice age followed.
• Mr. T’s favorite band is, unsurprisingly, Foo Fighters.
• During his short stint as the manager of a beauty salon, T’s catchphrase was “I Pretty The Foo’.”
• Rather than live off food and drink, T absorbs the energies of crushed self-esteem from the fools he has pitied.
• As part of an experiment in metaphysics, T once pitied Chuck Norris at the exact moment Norris delivered one of his trademark roundhouse kicks to Mr. T. The result was the 1980’s.
• John Candy is the only man that Mr. T truly respects and views as an equal.
• Every time Mr. T crosses his arms, the terror alert in the United States raises to gold.
• Every time the terror alert reaches gold, the government hires Mr. T