If seminary does not work out I always have this…

I have recently discovered that I have an unusual gift. I can communicate with animal friends. Some people call this horse whisperer, dog whisperer, or lion tamer. I like the name animal guide. I am not a trainer, tamer, or whisperer. I am a guide to link the animal kingdom with the human kingdom. It is a God given gift to which I feel called to serve others with. I recently plied this gift at a retreat center in central Texas. Here in part are the conversations I had with a few animal friends, per request of their human friends (portions are printed with permission and cannot be duplicated for any reason)…

Why do you bark persistently, buddy?
I bark because your fat lazy ass will not take me for walks or pay attention to me. Dude you sterilize me and pacify me with poisoned snacks. All the while you parade around the house all naked and shit. Do you have to rub it in my face that I can’t have sex anymore, by doing it all over the house? For God’s sake have decency and keep it in the bedroom. With that said you may want to hit the gym and while you are at it you need to diet. I will end this with asking you, “why don’t you bark?”

How would you feel about introducing a new animal friend into our household, tiger?
You have read the Qur’an. If we are treated equally then I am cool with it. Otherwise, it is you and I. Can we have a monkey? I love monkeys. We could name it Monty and make it wear overalls and a little hat. That would be cool. Are monkeys halal?

[To a horse] Hey champ; are you ready to ride again after that last injury or would it be better to wait?
Dumbass! When do I get the pasture and mares? I think it would be best if we relaxed a bit. Better yet let’s put the saddle on your back and I will ride you around for a while.
Pumpkin, what do you feel about euthanasia or the possible long process of surgery?
I have never been to Japan…I would love to visit. Thank you for thinking about taking me. You have to have surgery to go to Japan. Crazy people. What’s next talking animals?

Where are you? Are you lost or scared?
[no answer] then a whisper, are they gone? Man, is that guy crazy! He fucking talks to animals. I am not lost I am hiding. Yes I am scared…he feeds me tofu and green stuff. I am a dog. I lick my ass and eat my own shit. I do not dig on the free range and fair trade products. Hey, do not tell him where I am at. I have a sweet set up in Jersey.

How do you feel about the upcoming divorce and move to Seattle?
I think you watch Gray’s Anatomy too much. I am a cat, do you think I care about your divorce?

Are you happy and content being my animal friend? Does this friendship satisfy you?
[just laughing]

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